On Loneliness and the Village of Women

What if women decided to stop struggling alone, and worked to lift each other up?

By Dulce Zamora

My husband, two daughters, and I moved from the U.S. to Singapore last year. We left behind a close-knit group of family and friends, which made us really homesick. Holidays, birthdays, and everyday life seemed more hollow without our loved ones around.

I missed the women who always had my back no matter what.

We lived in Singapore for 8 years before, so we thought it would be relatively easy to adjust to life here. However, most of our close friends from our first stint were now gone. They moved to other countries. Most were expats like us, and expats do move with jobs, much like military families do.

These women were my rock during my first years as a mother and expat in Asia. We all grew up in different countries: the United States, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, the Philippines, and Australia.

My family and I mourned the double void in our lives. Not only did we lose everyday contact with our beloved in America, but we also lost our core group in Asia. I was all too familiar with this type of grief, this sorrow borne out of ghost-like membership to different communities. I felt it as a child, when I left the Philippines and immigrated into the United States. I felt it as a young adult, when I left my multicultural California neighborhood to work as a journalist in places were female minorities were either few or nonexistent. I now feel it as an Asian American expat.

My experiences are not unique. I have encountered citizens from all over the world who experience similar heartache. Some of these folks have never even left home, which shows that one need not leave their neighborhood to feel the pang of loneliness. You can be surrounded by people you love and who love you and still feel alone.

I finally figured out an antidote for me. The answer came during a solo trip to New York City. I went there last week to attend a writer’s conference. It was the first time I traveled for work after 12 years as a stay-at-home mother. My goal at the conference was to pitch my book ideas to literary agents.

It was nerve-wracking, but I did make a conscious effort to fortify myself. My salve came not from some medical marvel, but from my wounds. I told the girlfriends that I missed so much what I was doing. They showered me with encouragement via email, text, WhatsApp, Skype and Messenger. Some who lived within a day’s commute to New York made the effort to see me while I was there.

Erin, Lisa and I reconnected in the city that made us lifelong friends. Here we were in front of the Flatiron Building.

One particular day in New York stood out. I spent the day with Lisa and Erin (two very good friends from my single in NY days). While talking up a storm about our lives, we walked around different Manhattan neighborhoods. Chelsea, the Flatiron District, Union Square, Washington Square, NoHo, and SoHo became the backdrop of our daylong soulful sisterhood dialogue and adventure. It was then that I realized that I was never alone. Even when my tribe wasn’t physically with me, they were always present in my heart and memory. I had a village of strong, beautiful women backing me up all along. They were just spread out in different countries. I am so glad we live in an age when we can easily reach out to each other through digital apps.

Angela and Nicole made the 1-2 hour trek to see me in Manhattan. We first met each other while I was working in the Midwest. Here we were last week inside the Oculus.

Putting together my village over the years hasn’t been easy. I had to step out of my comfort zone many times, whether that meant joining a different lunch table at school, switching jobs, moving to different places, or seeking other groups within my neighborhood. That’s how I met many of these women. The courage I needed to activate to find them continues to help me practice bravery today. When I need them, they are there to help me with my next challenge. This does not mean that we agree on everything. Some of them now live their lives differently from mine. We don’t always have the same political or social views. However, we are able to see what we do have in common and move forward together from there.

My former NY roommate Bonnie and I met for lunch at Urbanspace Vanderbilt, near Grand Central Station. She has supported me during the happiest and most difficult moments of my life.

As I write about my village of supportive women, I can’t help but think of a piece of history I encountered last week. While walking around New York, my friend Erin pointed out a historical building near Washington Square. It was the site of the 1911 Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire where 145 people died because of sweatshop conditions that prevented escape. The majority of these workers were young immigrant teenage girls who did not speak English. The factory owners did not trust them and deliberately locked stairwell doors to prevent them from taking breaks or stealing anything. The company also refused to install sprinklers or other fire safety measures because they were largely known to purposefully torch their factories in order to benefit from large fire insurance policies. Owners paid off politicians to look the other way, and hired police officers to arrest anyone who protested their unethical work environment. The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire changed all of that. Many of the girls got trapped in locked stairwells, and dozens jumped from the burning building into the sidewalk where they died. The tragedy spurred at least 80,000 people to rally for better working conditions and to demand fire prevention and safety laws. As a result, New York politicians finally took note and made the necessary changes.

The site of the tragic Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire in 1911.

Today, women still work in less than stellar conditions. Our salaries tends to be less than men’s. To get a promotion, we must be aggressive yet not too aggressive lest we be seen as trying too hard. Or, we run the risk of alienating the men at the top of the ladder, at which case they will not invite us to exclusive team-building activities. Women who stay home to care for children are often not seen as having real jobs, or contributing to the family income. People say things like “There is no question that what you do is priceless, but the fact is that you are not making any money.”

I am conjuring up all this controversial stuff because I think women are still battling the same type of fires we did in 1911. Some of us lack the language and means to fight back. That’s why we need each other. We have the opportunity to lift each other up no matter where we are in the ladder of life, or in the world. I am heartened that my global village of women is there to help me when I need to buttress my courage. I wish the same for all of us, and encourage people to be each other’s champions.

Too many times we are encouraged to knock each other down. There are stay-at-home mothers versus working mothers. There are breastfeeders versus formula feeders. There are female executives who “heartlessly” climb the corporate ladder versus the female executives who balance work and family life. There are women with nannies, and women who have to do it all. There are conservative women and there are liberal women. I could go on and on with the rivalries and resentments that run deep within women’s groups. Wouldn’t it be great if we could lift each other up from where we are, regardless of our financial, religious, or political affiliations? It sounds like a hippie-ish fantasy, doesn’t it, to support one another? To this, I ask: Why does supporting each other have to be a fantasy?

As I summon my courage to raise my family and to pursue my career goals in the most authentic way possible, I find strength in my global village of female friends. Finding my village did mean ditching the old model of what I thought my community should look like. I found that my friends and I didn’t have to do the same things, or feel the same way about everything, or live in the same place. We just had to support each other. And if that sounds sappy and uncomfortable, I ask: Why is being emotional deemed a weakness? How did that standard come about? I’d like to explore how we, as women, can harness each others’ unique powers by setting up our own standards, and not necessarily play by the old rules. Doing so could help everyone, male or female.

© 2019 Windswept Wildflower

Thinking about my global village of strong women helps me continue to be a positive light in this world.
Erin and I found this button at Washington Square. It reminds me to be positive and helpful during my journey toward a more authentic life.
I hired a female communications professional to help me design a logo and business card. My sister, who has a good eye for aesthetics and has a nose for business, gave me some great feedback on how I could further improve the look. I am really appreciating the synergistic energy of women working together to lift each other up.

3 thoughts on “On Loneliness and the Village of Women

  1. Hi Dulce:
    I read every word of your long and very interesting aricle(s) and you wrote it so with great sincerity and honesty You are really a good journalist and a very good story teller.I enjoyed your journalistic acumen. That is how life is – I am sure you agree with me – you have really shown your love for your family and extended ones There are quite a few expats in the building where we live in Rockwell and I see a few Caucasians walking alone to our nearby mall.
    I still cannot forget the tour of Stanford University- with you and your loving husband Noel bringing us there -it was unforgetable seeing a prestigious Ivy League institution . It was one of a few universities that Nicole brought her daughter Isabella to take a look. isa is now 16 Yrs plus – our eldest of 9 grandchildren .Nicole was telling us it does not mean she will be accepted to an Ivy school despite her perfect score in Math due to fierce competitions.
    Well – the best of everything in Singapore – oh by the way your 2 pretty daughters must be studying in an International school and regards to Noel . Unc Nem and Tita Betsy

    Like

    • Hi Uncle Nem! Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I’ve started working on books again, and that, and my usual mommy jobs, have taken my time. How are you and Tita Betsy doing? I hope we get to see you some time soon. You are welcome to visit us in Singapore. I would love to show you around. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I really appreciate it. Love, Dulce

      Like

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